It seems that that we all live some lie or another. Whether or not it's a lack of faith, or an abundance of it, a life of adultery, addiction, laziness, control or extortion we all find ourselves in some form of moral destruction.
I have many. I'm horribly addicted to food. I'm afraid to live. I'm frightened of my path in life. I used to be addicted to sex. Now I just love my wife. That's an interesting feeling for me, because now she's getting old. Sometimes she really shows it. Like tonight, I looked upon her and I saw age their. I saw pale skin hanging loosely from the bones of her face. Her eyes looked sullen and tired. I look upon her now and I'm sad, mainly because I have not chosen to live until recently and I sincerely missed almost a decade of her life as I chose to mire myself in my own personal shit.
Now I move beyond. With heartburn I look to move past the old edges of my life and to find a new path. I'm on that path and I will stay there as best as I can for the rest of my life. I feel it in my bones. The greatest tragedy of my life is my lack of decision to live. I succumbed to addiction and pain and never looked beyond my immediate pain. I don't feel like my life is an open wound any longer with emotional salt being poured on top. It still hurts sometimes but now I begin to look ahead and feel hope. It's time to grow my garden. I am growing my garden right now.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
food
so now for some reason food doesn't mean all that much to me as it once did... i get nostalgic about trying new restaurants and eating out, but now when I do it I just don't care. I don't get off on the taste of a really good beer. I always find myself fantasizing about a good mango. I think for me it's as much about the experience as anything. And the experience certainly no longer overshadows the lethargy I have afterwards. I also no longer experience food on the same level. When I eat I expect to gain a life force, but with cooked restaurant food all I get an extremely dead feeling.. it's like the experience is right then and there only.
It's relegated to its place and there is nothing else except the following stupor. I see people in their business coats leaving the restaurant and I notice how they walk as they try to act energetic after consuming death, destruction and the spoils of this society's subversion... all in the name of a good reuban sandwich. mmmmm mmmmm that's good eatin. I even stick to vegetarian food now, which is an even bigger farce. I feel absolutely no emotional connection to what I'm eating and yet I expect to as I'm driving over and I order my food. I get it and it feels completely dead pan going into my mouth... now I feel a nap is needed just to deal with the food... ugh... I think I'll have an apple when I wake up.
It's relegated to its place and there is nothing else except the following stupor. I see people in their business coats leaving the restaurant and I notice how they walk as they try to act energetic after consuming death, destruction and the spoils of this society's subversion... all in the name of a good reuban sandwich. mmmmm mmmmm that's good eatin. I even stick to vegetarian food now, which is an even bigger farce. I feel absolutely no emotional connection to what I'm eating and yet I expect to as I'm driving over and I order my food. I get it and it feels completely dead pan going into my mouth... now I feel a nap is needed just to deal with the food... ugh... I think I'll have an apple when I wake up.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Latest News and Sunday's Weight Check
I lost another 2 lbs this past week. That makes 5 lbs in 2 weeks, which I'm pretty happy about. This week my wife and I are fasting. Normally in the past this is a pretty hellish experience for me, but not this time. We are on day 2 and things are going really well. I'm hungry but it's not crushing me emotionally like it usually does. I feel light and sort of happy. The really cool thing is that we are doing this together. My wife and I are working together to support each other in this. It feels like exactly the right thing to do at this time.
Another thing is that my wife and I worked out a lot of that stuff I talked about before. It's strange and funny how things like that happen. We didn't even really have to discuss all that much. It just took a little effort and a little expression on both of our parts to see where each other was coming from then go from there. I'm pretty happy about it.
Ok time for another juice!
Another thing is that my wife and I worked out a lot of that stuff I talked about before. It's strange and funny how things like that happen. We didn't even really have to discuss all that much. It just took a little effort and a little expression on both of our parts to see where each other was coming from then go from there. I'm pretty happy about it.
Ok time for another juice!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
My Current Weight and Revelations
So I weighed myself on Monday, yesterday, and I lost 3 lbs. I haven't done much in the past week except stay raw through the day and start walking. I wasn't even raw at night. I had 2 late night food run binges and I don't feel that much better, yet I'm 3 lbs lighter than I was the week before... that's strange really. If I manage to put three of those same weeks together and get the same results then I'll be down to a much more acceptable 272 lbs, yes the sarcasm is intended. No I'm not going to stop. No I'm not going to let go and not I have no intention of giving up. This is now something I officially want and I want it more than the other stuff.
It's so strange really how severed I've become from my relationship. I almost on a lot of levels want to have nothing to do with my wife. Sure there are moments where it feels good but then there's the rest of the time. There's the planned sex. there's the utter incapacity for spontaneity from her that seems to kill my soul. There is that total lack of creativity she possesses yet it's something she tells herself she wants. It's like an infection to watch her work her pathetic way through it. There's no passion there for her. It's only bullshit, this childhood, teenage metaphor for something she thinks will be cool. Well let me tell you there's nothing that great about having what I have. It's no better than diligently hacking your way through a PhD. It's the same thing and both fulfill a need. The only real difference is that I understand it and she acts like a small child and refuses to accept reality. Be good at what you are and don't whine about what you aren't unless you are seriously willing to commit to change.
I find myself in so many ways just wanting something to love. I want it to end really. I don't like to feel this way. There is not a week that goes by where I don't want to walk away from everything I have at least once. There are so many times where I feel like I just don't care. I know I don't love my wife. I wish my daughter wasn't even here most of the time. I really just want them to leave me alone. I want to sit in a forest for 2 or 3 years and eat lettuce and berries, but I don't want to be here. It's like this family is a ghost of what I should've had. Paula is a great person and Isabel is a great little girl and yet I know they would've both been fine without me. Paula could've married some guy with a job and a life and isabel could've been born into some upper middle class family that could've really provided for her. Instead she gets to grow up in this freak fest I control that we call a family.
This isn't what I want. This is only sort of what I want. Paula doesn't want to have sex the way I want to. She's not dirty enough. She's too much of a whiny pain in the ass, "I don't like racquetball." Good god I mean how fucking stupid is that? You say you want me to be not fat and when I come up with great and fun ideas in which to accomplish that goal you turn into a goddamn baby. You know it really is too bad your dad didn't buy you that Porsche, because when everything came crashing down around you the fall would've been that much harder and maybe you would've opened up your eyes a little bit more to the rest of the world.
The truth and sad thing is, I had my family, my real family. I had it once and I let it go. I was supposed to be the guy to show Renee how to be a human. I was supposed to be there for her to the end and provide her with peace, love and support and I didn't. I was supposed to be there for Salem so he could grow up and love people and be a man that people will respect. And you know what? I let that all go because I couldn't commit. I've never committed to Paula and I probably never will, but I did commit to Renee for a couple of months and it felt amazing. I still remember and that was 18 years ago. Life was good enough then. It really was. And I could've made it better. I know could've, but I chose not to. I acted like a coward. I acted like my father. He was supposed to be there for my mother and he fucking wasn't. But you know what? I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be there for my daughter. I'm going to give her what she deserves, and my wife can go fuck herself for all I care because she did to me exactly what her father did to her family. She buried herself emotionally and ran like a goddamn coward. Hit the hills baby, I'm gonna blow. So I'll probably continue to fuck other chicks in some capacity whether it be in my hear or my mind or even in my body... who knows? I don't really care though. When you go through that kind of disrespect it's a little hard to take the little things all that seriously. I'll spend the rest of my life with her and that's fine. I like her enough to do that and some days I love her enough to do it, but I'll always know this is my second family, my replacement family. She could've been there for me and guided me when she had the chance but she didn't. She ran just like I did and this is what she gets. And she deserves it too.
My daughter, however, doesn't, and she's not going to get it either. That's why I will continue to lose weight and I'll continue to eat raw food and I'll continue to change, and when I feel this hate that I feel now, I'll let it flow and I'll let it out... because that's what I've got to do to cleanse my soul and to be there for my daughter. My daughter deserves the best. And that's the simple truth.
It's so strange really how severed I've become from my relationship. I almost on a lot of levels want to have nothing to do with my wife. Sure there are moments where it feels good but then there's the rest of the time. There's the planned sex. there's the utter incapacity for spontaneity from her that seems to kill my soul. There is that total lack of creativity she possesses yet it's something she tells herself she wants. It's like an infection to watch her work her pathetic way through it. There's no passion there for her. It's only bullshit, this childhood, teenage metaphor for something she thinks will be cool. Well let me tell you there's nothing that great about having what I have. It's no better than diligently hacking your way through a PhD. It's the same thing and both fulfill a need. The only real difference is that I understand it and she acts like a small child and refuses to accept reality. Be good at what you are and don't whine about what you aren't unless you are seriously willing to commit to change.
I find myself in so many ways just wanting something to love. I want it to end really. I don't like to feel this way. There is not a week that goes by where I don't want to walk away from everything I have at least once. There are so many times where I feel like I just don't care. I know I don't love my wife. I wish my daughter wasn't even here most of the time. I really just want them to leave me alone. I want to sit in a forest for 2 or 3 years and eat lettuce and berries, but I don't want to be here. It's like this family is a ghost of what I should've had. Paula is a great person and Isabel is a great little girl and yet I know they would've both been fine without me. Paula could've married some guy with a job and a life and isabel could've been born into some upper middle class family that could've really provided for her. Instead she gets to grow up in this freak fest I control that we call a family.
This isn't what I want. This is only sort of what I want. Paula doesn't want to have sex the way I want to. She's not dirty enough. She's too much of a whiny pain in the ass, "I don't like racquetball." Good god I mean how fucking stupid is that? You say you want me to be not fat and when I come up with great and fun ideas in which to accomplish that goal you turn into a goddamn baby. You know it really is too bad your dad didn't buy you that Porsche, because when everything came crashing down around you the fall would've been that much harder and maybe you would've opened up your eyes a little bit more to the rest of the world.
The truth and sad thing is, I had my family, my real family. I had it once and I let it go. I was supposed to be the guy to show Renee how to be a human. I was supposed to be there for her to the end and provide her with peace, love and support and I didn't. I was supposed to be there for Salem so he could grow up and love people and be a man that people will respect. And you know what? I let that all go because I couldn't commit. I've never committed to Paula and I probably never will, but I did commit to Renee for a couple of months and it felt amazing. I still remember and that was 18 years ago. Life was good enough then. It really was. And I could've made it better. I know could've, but I chose not to. I acted like a coward. I acted like my father. He was supposed to be there for my mother and he fucking wasn't. But you know what? I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be there for my daughter. I'm going to give her what she deserves, and my wife can go fuck herself for all I care because she did to me exactly what her father did to her family. She buried herself emotionally and ran like a goddamn coward. Hit the hills baby, I'm gonna blow. So I'll probably continue to fuck other chicks in some capacity whether it be in my hear or my mind or even in my body... who knows? I don't really care though. When you go through that kind of disrespect it's a little hard to take the little things all that seriously. I'll spend the rest of my life with her and that's fine. I like her enough to do that and some days I love her enough to do it, but I'll always know this is my second family, my replacement family. She could've been there for me and guided me when she had the chance but she didn't. She ran just like I did and this is what she gets. And she deserves it too.
My daughter, however, doesn't, and she's not going to get it either. That's why I will continue to lose weight and I'll continue to eat raw food and I'll continue to change, and when I feel this hate that I feel now, I'll let it flow and I'll let it out... because that's what I've got to do to cleanse my soul and to be there for my daughter. My daughter deserves the best. And that's the simple truth.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Weight
Oh I forgot to mention that I hopped on the scale on Sunday and I couldn't believe how much I weighed. I just feel really good about getting on the horn and doing what I want and need to do. I weighed 281 lbs. I plan to post my weight here weekly to track my progress.
Monday, December 3, 2007
I Face a Struggle
Every night around 8 or 9 p.m. I get the feeling to binge. It doesn't really happen much during the day before that, although sometimes it does, but every damn night I get the same old feeling. I feel urged to eat something worthless. I crave Taco Bell, a slice of pizza with a can of coke, a cheeseburger, cheesesteak... anything that gives me the feeling. I can't believe I get it every night. The only way I've ever found an affective way to deal with it is to simply go to bed at like 10 pm. I am beginning to feel like that may be the only way to change my habits, patterns and reduce the urge in some way. The problem is that once I think of it the whole thing compounds upon itself and I lose something.
take tonight for instance. I go for a nice long walk and what do I do? I stop along the way for a snack... sure I was hungry but it was sad how that feeling of life and light left me immediately... not to mention the food actually made me throw up. I found that some sort of interesting justice actually. Sometimes the body takes over and cleans out what the mind is just too freaking stupid to stop.
How I feel now is basically different though. I don't feel the need to mask things like I used to. I've decided my family life is really quite good. I respect on honor my wife for a change and I love and try to honor my daughter as much as I possibly can. I only think all this will get better as I get older. My desire to screw other women as a way to either, get back at my wife for being a failure, or because I just wasn't getting my needs met is really ebbing. I have decided that only I can and want to meet my needs and if I need help from someone else then I better start acting in a way that prevails upon them that I actually deserve such help! Now that was a stunner! I remember that realization on some level. the funny thing is that it really didn't floor me it just felt good to finally get it.
So anyway onto my food thing... It's been feeling pretty damn good lately. My wife seems really into making a big fat green juice every morning, which I am sooo happy to drink. I love them. The food has been good too... we've been a lot of raw and pretty much vegan, which I love. Our daughter is doing well too. Things are not perfect... which is to say that I have had some cheese... HUUUGE desires to binge, but I've been exercising whenever I can and I will continue that. Basically I just feel like it's going to be a long slow turning of the ship and I'll keep chipping away at this until I just get it right! I feel good and it's December.. doesn't usually happen to this fella.
I wonder if anyone actually reads this.. would be funny if they did.
take tonight for instance. I go for a nice long walk and what do I do? I stop along the way for a snack... sure I was hungry but it was sad how that feeling of life and light left me immediately... not to mention the food actually made me throw up. I found that some sort of interesting justice actually. Sometimes the body takes over and cleans out what the mind is just too freaking stupid to stop.
How I feel now is basically different though. I don't feel the need to mask things like I used to. I've decided my family life is really quite good. I respect on honor my wife for a change and I love and try to honor my daughter as much as I possibly can. I only think all this will get better as I get older. My desire to screw other women as a way to either, get back at my wife for being a failure, or because I just wasn't getting my needs met is really ebbing. I have decided that only I can and want to meet my needs and if I need help from someone else then I better start acting in a way that prevails upon them that I actually deserve such help! Now that was a stunner! I remember that realization on some level. the funny thing is that it really didn't floor me it just felt good to finally get it.
So anyway onto my food thing... It's been feeling pretty damn good lately. My wife seems really into making a big fat green juice every morning, which I am sooo happy to drink. I love them. The food has been good too... we've been a lot of raw and pretty much vegan, which I love. Our daughter is doing well too. Things are not perfect... which is to say that I have had some cheese... HUUUGE desires to binge, but I've been exercising whenever I can and I will continue that. Basically I just feel like it's going to be a long slow turning of the ship and I'll keep chipping away at this until I just get it right! I feel good and it's December.. doesn't usually happen to this fella.
I wonder if anyone actually reads this.. would be funny if they did.
Friday, November 30, 2007
The Past
I must say the past couple of days have gone well. I have been essentially raw. By this I mean the only thing I had that wasn't raw were 2 small pieces of organic mozzarella cheese, and a little bit of Annies Goddes dressing. Other than that it's been good. Also, I've been exercising at least an hour a day, which is fantastic. I'm really happy about that and I can feel the difference.
Odd thing though.. .today I went into my work and had a salad and a beer with this server I'm friends with. She was working and it's her last day so I just took the opportunity to go hang with her for a little while. I can't believe the immediate difference. My gut feels really really heavy and full. I feel sort of dead from the food and really nasty from the beer. It's like instant depression. Oh well is all I can say. I'm glad I chose to see her though. She's been a lot of fun to chat with during my time at that job and has really made some nights worth even going in.
I hope to see her next fall when she's back from Spain and back at school.
This brings me to another topic. This is my last day at work. I sort of had this plan to go out in style, which is really what everyone else does. Then I started to think to myself. Why do I need to be like anyone else, like at all? I don't, nor do I really see the benefit of such behavior. Plus people at work keep having get togethers for people as they leave and I really can't see one happening for me. It's just not my or their thing to go and hang with yours truly, which is pretty darn normal when you consider the age gap between me and them. I'm 37 and they are all 20-26... not a whole lot in common there. They are just discovering life and I'm just busy being myself.
I think that's really the greatest thing about being 37 is the ability to be myself. I'm happy to do it.
Odd thing though.. .today I went into my work and had a salad and a beer with this server I'm friends with. She was working and it's her last day so I just took the opportunity to go hang with her for a little while. I can't believe the immediate difference. My gut feels really really heavy and full. I feel sort of dead from the food and really nasty from the beer. It's like instant depression. Oh well is all I can say. I'm glad I chose to see her though. She's been a lot of fun to chat with during my time at that job and has really made some nights worth even going in.
I hope to see her next fall when she's back from Spain and back at school.
This brings me to another topic. This is my last day at work. I sort of had this plan to go out in style, which is really what everyone else does. Then I started to think to myself. Why do I need to be like anyone else, like at all? I don't, nor do I really see the benefit of such behavior. Plus people at work keep having get togethers for people as they leave and I really can't see one happening for me. It's just not my or their thing to go and hang with yours truly, which is pretty darn normal when you consider the age gap between me and them. I'm 37 and they are all 20-26... not a whole lot in common there. They are just discovering life and I'm just busy being myself.
I think that's really the greatest thing about being 37 is the ability to be myself. I'm happy to do it.
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