Harken Back

I look down at my fat hands and I harken back to the days of 250 lbs. That's a sad statement where I dream about the time when I simply look better. I don't even look good. I merely look better. I look at my fat head in photographs and I think, "how can you?" The truth is only I can answer these questions and they are a daily drama for me. That's the really important thing to keep in mind is that it really is a daily drama. It's a continuous struggle to see where I'm going to lead myself. I'm not really sad about it. That's just the way it is.

I've been thin and rather fit before and it never meant anything to me other than being obsessive in a way. I never really dealt with what was at hand. If I was thin it was because I out exercised my eating. I never faced my own issues, hurt and sadness to get to the root of what was bothering me. Now as I wear my daily fat suit I ponder these issues and questions all the time. I know that if I don't ponder these and look at them with my heart of hearts and kindness then I'll never be any different.

These issues are pervasive in my life and will obstruct anything and everything I try to do. I know that now and I feel good about it. Beyond that? well it's time to have some H20.