The Latest News and Sunday's Weight Check

I lost another 2 lbs this past week. That makes 5 lbs in 2 weeks, which I'm pretty happy about. This week my wife and I are fasting. Normally in the past this is a pretty hellish experience for me, but not this time. We are on day 2 and things are going really well. I'm hungry but it's not crushing me emotionally like it usually does. I feel light and sort of happy. The really cool thing is that we are doing this together. My wife and I are working together to support each other in this. It feels like exactly the right thing to do at this time.

Another thing is that my wife and I worked out a lot of that stuff I talked about before. It's strange and funny how things like that happen. We didn't even really have to discuss all that much. It just took a little effort and a little expression on both of our parts to see where each other was coming from then go from there. I'm pretty happy about it.

Ok time for another juice!

My Current Weight and Revelations

So I weighed myself on Monday, yesterday, and I lost 3 lbs. I haven't done much in the past week except stay raw through the day and start walking. I wasn't even raw at night. I had 2 late night food run binges and I don't feel that much better, yet I'm 3 lbs lighter than I was the week before... that's strange really. If I manage to put three of those same weeks together and get the same results then I'll be down to a much more acceptable 272 lbs, yes the sarcasm is intended. No I'm not going to stop. No I'm not going to let go and not I have no intention of giving up. This is now something I officially want and I want it more than the other stuff.

It's so strange really how severed I've become from my relationship. I almost on a lot of levels want to have nothing to do with my wife. Sure there are moments where it feels good but then there's the rest of the time. There's the planned sex. there's the utter incapacity for spontaneity from her that seems to kill my soul. There is that total lack of creativity she possesses yet it's something she tells herself she wants. It's like an infection to watch her work her pathetic way through it. There's no passion there for her. It's only bullshit, this childhood, teenage metaphor for something she thinks will be cool. Well let me tell you there's nothing that great about having what I have. It's no better than diligently hacking your way through a PhD. It's the same thing and both fulfill a need. The only real difference is that I understand it and she acts like a small child and refuses to accept reality. Be good at what you are and don't whine about what you aren't unless you are seriously willing to commit to change.

I find myself in so many ways just wanting something to love. I want it to end really. I don't like to feel this way. There is not a week that goes by where I don't want to walk away from everything I have at least once. There are so many times where I feel like I just don't care. I know I don't love my wife. I wish my daughter wasn't even here most of the time. I really just want them to leave me alone. I want to sit in a forest for 2 or 3 years and eat lettuce and berries, but I don't want to be here. It's like this family is a ghost of what I should've had. Paula is a great person and Isabel is a great little girl and yet I know they would've both been fine without me. Paula could've married some guy with a job and a life and isabel could've been born into some upper middle class family that could've really provided for her. Instead she gets to grow up in this freak fest I control that we call a family.

This isn't what I want. This is only sort of what I want. Paula doesn't want to have sex the way I want to. She's not dirty enough. She's too much of a whiny pain in the ass, "I don't like racquetball." Good god I mean how fucking stupid is that? You say you want me to be not fat and when I come up with great and fun ideas in which to accomplish that goal you turn into a goddamn baby. You know it really is too bad your dad didn't buy you that Porsche, because when everything came crashing down around you the fall would've been that much harder and maybe you would've opened up your eyes a little bit more to the rest of the world.

The truth and sad thing is, I had my family, my real family. I had it once and I let it go. I was supposed to be the guy to show Renee how to be a human. I was supposed to be there for her to the end and provide her with peace, love and support and I didn't. I was supposed to be there for Salem so he could grow up and love people and be a man that people will respect. And you know what? I let that all go because I couldn't commit. I've never committed to Paula and I probably never will, but I did commit to Renee for a couple of months and it felt amazing. I still remember and that was 18 years ago. Life was good enough then. It really was. And I could've made it better. I know could've, but I chose not to. I acted like a coward. I acted like my father. He was supposed to be there for my mother and he fucking wasn't. But you know what? I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be there for my daughter. I'm going to give her what she deserves, and my wife can go fuck herself for all I care because she did to me exactly what her father did to her family. She buried herself emotionally and ran like a goddamn coward. Hit the hills baby, I'm gonna blow. So I'll probably continue to fuck other chicks in some capacity whether it be in my hear or my mind or even in my body... who knows? I don't really care though. When you go through that kind of disrespect it's a little hard to take the little things all that seriously. I'll spend the rest of my life with her and that's fine. I like her enough to do that and some days I love her enough to do it, but I'll always know this is my second family, my replacement family. She could've been there for me and guided me when she had the chance but she didn't. She ran just like I did and this is what she gets. And she deserves it too.

My daughter, however, doesn't, and she's not going to get it either. That's why I will continue to lose weight and I'll continue to eat raw food and I'll continue to change, and when I feel this hate that I feel now, I'll let it flow and I'll let it out... because that's what I've got to do to cleanse my soul and to be there for my daughter. My daughter deserves the best. And that's the simple truth.

The Weight

Oh I forgot to mention that I hopped on the scale on Sunday and I couldn't believe how much I weighed. I just feel really good about getting on the horn and doing what I want and need to do. I weighed 281 lbs. I plan to post my weight here weekly to track my progress.

I Face a Struggle

Every night around 8 or 9 p.m. I get the feeling to binge. It doesn't really happen much during the day before that, although sometimes it does, but every damn night I get the same old feeling. I feel urged to eat something worthless. I crave Taco Bell, a slice of pizza with a can of coke, a cheeseburger, cheesesteak... anything that gives me the feeling. I can't believe I get it every night. The only way I've ever found an affective way to deal with it is to simply go to bed at like 10 pm. I am beginning to feel like that may be the only way to change my habits, patterns and reduce the urge in some way. The problem is that once I think of it the whole thing compounds upon itself and I lose something.

take tonight for instance. I go for a nice long walk and what do I do? I stop along the way for a snack... sure I was hungry but it was sad how that feeling of life and light left me immediately... not to mention the food actually made me throw up. I found that some sort of interesting justice actually. Sometimes the body takes over and cleans out what the mind is just too freaking stupid to stop.

How I feel now is basically different though. I don't feel the need to mask things like I used to. I've decided my family life is really quite good. I respect on honor my wife for a change and I love and try to honor my daughter as much as I possibly can. I only think all this will get better as I get older. My desire to screw other women as a way to either, get back at my wife for being a failure, or because I just wasn't getting my needs met is really ebbing. I have decided that only I can and want to meet my needs and if I need help from someone else then I better start acting in a way that prevails upon them that I actually deserve such help! Now that was a stunner! I remember that realization on some level. the funny thing is that it really didn't floor me it just felt good to finally get it.

So anyway onto my food thing... It's been feeling pretty damn good lately. My wife seems really into making a big fat green juice every morning, which I am sooo happy to drink. I love them. The food has been good too... we've been a lot of raw and pretty much vegan, which I love. Our daughter is doing well too. Things are not perfect... which is to say that I have had some cheese... HUUUGE desires to binge, but I've been exercising whenever I can and I will continue that. Basically I just feel like it's going to be a long slow turning of the ship and I'll keep chipping away at this until I just get it right! I feel good and it's December.. doesn't usually happen to this fella.

I wonder if anyone actually reads this.. would be funny if they did.

The Past

I must say the past couple of days have gone well. I have been essentially raw. By this I mean the only thing I had that wasn't raw were 2 small pieces of organic mozzarella cheese, and a little bit of Annies Goddes dressing. Other than that it's been good. Also, I've been exercising at least an hour a day, which is fantastic. I'm really happy about that and I can feel the difference.

Odd thing though.. .today I went into my work and had a salad and a beer with this server I'm friends with. She was working and it's her last day so I just took the opportunity to go hang with her for a little while. I can't believe the immediate difference. My gut feels really really heavy and full. I feel sort of dead from the food and really nasty from the beer. It's like instant depression. Oh well is all I can say. I'm glad I chose to see her though. She's been a lot of fun to chat with during my time at that job and has really made some nights worth even going in.

I hope to see her next fall when she's back from Spain and back at school.

This brings me to another topic. This is my last day at work. I sort of had this plan to go out in style, which is really what everyone else does. Then I started to think to myself. Why do I need to be like anyone else, like at all? I don't, nor do I really see the benefit of such behavior. Plus people at work keep having get togethers for people as they leave and I really can't see one happening for me. It's just not my or their thing to go and hang with yours truly, which is pretty darn normal when you consider the age gap between me and them. I'm 37 and they are all 20-26... not a whole lot in common there. They are just discovering life and I'm just busy being myself.

I think that's really the greatest thing about being 37 is the ability to be myself. I'm happy to do it.

Harken Back

I look down at my fat hands and I harken back to the days of 250 lbs. That's a sad statement where I dream about the time when I simply look better. I don't even look good. I merely look better. I look at my fat head in photographs and I think, "how can you?" The truth is only I can answer these questions and they are a daily drama for me. That's the really important thing to keep in mind is that it really is a daily drama. It's a continuous struggle to see where I'm going to lead myself. I'm not really sad about it. That's just the way it is.

I've been thin and rather fit before and it never meant anything to me other than being obsessive in a way. I never really dealt with what was at hand. If I was thin it was because I out exercised my eating. I never faced my own issues, hurt and sadness to get to the root of what was bothering me. Now as I wear my daily fat suit I ponder these issues and questions all the time. I know that if I don't ponder these and look at them with my heart of hearts and kindness then I'll never be any different.

These issues are pervasive in my life and will obstruct anything and everything I try to do. I know that now and I feel good about it. Beyond that? well it's time to have some H20.

More on the Plan

So far the plan has not been strictly followed. I exercised for about 2 hours the first day. Yesterday it rained the entire day and I simply found the idea of going outside intolerable. I did manage to get some things done though. Today was a different story. I basically slept the entire day. I don't know why I needed to but apparently I did. It's funny. I slept an extra 4 hours today and I'm still tired at 11.45 pm. I didn't think it possible.

Food is still a strange thing to me. I have all the tendencies in the world toward binging. Hell I even do binge. However I'm getting nothing from the experience any longer. It really makes me wonder why people continue to do this sort of thing. Perhaps they never deal with what they need to deal with. I'm still very tended toward addictiveness. I still think about sex addictively. I still think about food like an addict yet when I participate in these activities they no longer hold the same "payoff" they once did. It's almost sad really but I guess that's what happens when I move on.

It feels really strange to move on. I mean I'm pushing 40 years old and in a couple years I'll be pushing it very hard and I still have no fucking idea what I truly want. I thought I did and I thought I wanted to do it with other people. The other people I chose to do things with were fucking flakes, so that's a no go. It's all on me. I don't feel like I need motivation from outside sources any longer. All I have to do is look at my daughter and feel like I want to get something done.

Anyway, more on the plan, tomorrow I'm going to get up, do a ball workout and then head out for a walk. I'm going to either go and hit some balls at the tennis court against the wall or see if my wife will play with me.

For breakfast I'm going to have a raw soaked granola with frozen cherries. I like that a lot. For lunch we're going to have more of that "crab cake" pate on cabbage. That was seriously good stuff. Then I'm going to make a watercress salad to go along with it. For dinner I'm going to make a pumpkin curry soup thing with butternut squash, and lemonade. We'll dip pizza bread in the soup and have some marinated greens as well.

The next few days look good weather wise so the exercise thing won't be a problem because of that.

More on today... it was strange.. all that sleep I mean. When I finally woke up I felt like I just didn't have time to do the things I wanted to get done. What happened instead was that I got done what I absolutely needed and then flaked off at night... took part in some activities and watched two dramatic episodes of the modern Battlestar Galactica. Yes, my life is truly inspirational. Time to go inspire!