Living the Lie

It seems that that we all live some lie or another. Whether or not it's a lack of faith, or an abundance of it, a life of adultery, addiction, laziness, control or extortion we all find ourselves in some form of moral destruction.

I have many. I'm horribly addicted to food. I'm afraid to live. I'm frightened of my path in life. I used to be addicted to sex. Now I just love my wife. That's an interesting feeling for me, because now she's getting old. Sometimes she really shows it. Like tonight, I looked upon her and I saw age their. I saw pale skin hanging loosely from the bones of her face. Her eyes looked sullen and tired. I look upon her now and I'm sad, mainly because I have not chosen to live until recently and I sincerely missed almost a decade of her life as I chose to mire myself in my own personal shit.

Now I move beyond. With heartburn I look to move past the old edges of my life and to find a new path. I'm on that path and I will stay there as best as I can for the rest of my life. I feel it in my bones. The greatest tragedy of my life is my lack of decision to live. I succumbed to addiction and pain and never looked beyond my immediate pain. I don't feel like my life is an open wound any longer with emotional salt being poured on top. It still hurts sometimes but now I begin to look ahead and feel hope. It's time to grow my garden. I am growing my garden right now.

food

so now for some reason food doesn't mean all that much to me as it once did... i get nostalgic about trying new restaurants and eating out, but now when I do it I just don't care. I don't get off on the taste of a really good beer. I always find myself fantasizing about a good mango. I think for me it's as much about the experience as anything. And the experience certainly no longer overshadows the lethargy I have afterwards. I also no longer experience food on the same level. When I eat I expect to gain a life force, but with cooked restaurant food all I get an extremely dead feeling.. it's like the experience is right then and there only.

It's relegated to its place and there is nothing else except the following stupor. I see people in their business coats leaving the restaurant and I notice how they walk as they try to act energetic after consuming death, destruction and the spoils of this society's subversion... all in the name of a good reuban sandwich. mmmmm mmmmm that's good eatin. I even stick to vegetarian food now, which is an even bigger farce. I feel absolutely no emotional connection to what I'm eating and yet I expect to as I'm driving over and I order my food. I get it and it feels completely dead pan going into my mouth... now I feel a nap is needed just to deal with the food... ugh... I think I'll have an apple when I wake up.