My Current Weight and Revelations

So I weighed myself on Monday, yesterday, and I lost 3 lbs. I haven't done much in the past week except stay raw through the day and start walking. I wasn't even raw at night. I had 2 late night food run binges and I don't feel that much better, yet I'm 3 lbs lighter than I was the week before... that's strange really. If I manage to put three of those same weeks together and get the same results then I'll be down to a much more acceptable 272 lbs, yes the sarcasm is intended. No I'm not going to stop. No I'm not going to let go and not I have no intention of giving up. This is now something I officially want and I want it more than the other stuff.

It's so strange really how severed I've become from my relationship. I almost on a lot of levels want to have nothing to do with my wife. Sure there are moments where it feels good but then there's the rest of the time. There's the planned sex. there's the utter incapacity for spontaneity from her that seems to kill my soul. There is that total lack of creativity she possesses yet it's something she tells herself she wants. It's like an infection to watch her work her pathetic way through it. There's no passion there for her. It's only bullshit, this childhood, teenage metaphor for something she thinks will be cool. Well let me tell you there's nothing that great about having what I have. It's no better than diligently hacking your way through a PhD. It's the same thing and both fulfill a need. The only real difference is that I understand it and she acts like a small child and refuses to accept reality. Be good at what you are and don't whine about what you aren't unless you are seriously willing to commit to change.

I find myself in so many ways just wanting something to love. I want it to end really. I don't like to feel this way. There is not a week that goes by where I don't want to walk away from everything I have at least once. There are so many times where I feel like I just don't care. I know I don't love my wife. I wish my daughter wasn't even here most of the time. I really just want them to leave me alone. I want to sit in a forest for 2 or 3 years and eat lettuce and berries, but I don't want to be here. It's like this family is a ghost of what I should've had. Paula is a great person and Isabel is a great little girl and yet I know they would've both been fine without me. Paula could've married some guy with a job and a life and isabel could've been born into some upper middle class family that could've really provided for her. Instead she gets to grow up in this freak fest I control that we call a family.

This isn't what I want. This is only sort of what I want. Paula doesn't want to have sex the way I want to. She's not dirty enough. She's too much of a whiny pain in the ass, "I don't like racquetball." Good god I mean how fucking stupid is that? You say you want me to be not fat and when I come up with great and fun ideas in which to accomplish that goal you turn into a goddamn baby. You know it really is too bad your dad didn't buy you that Porsche, because when everything came crashing down around you the fall would've been that much harder and maybe you would've opened up your eyes a little bit more to the rest of the world.

The truth and sad thing is, I had my family, my real family. I had it once and I let it go. I was supposed to be the guy to show Renee how to be a human. I was supposed to be there for her to the end and provide her with peace, love and support and I didn't. I was supposed to be there for Salem so he could grow up and love people and be a man that people will respect. And you know what? I let that all go because I couldn't commit. I've never committed to Paula and I probably never will, but I did commit to Renee for a couple of months and it felt amazing. I still remember and that was 18 years ago. Life was good enough then. It really was. And I could've made it better. I know could've, but I chose not to. I acted like a coward. I acted like my father. He was supposed to be there for my mother and he fucking wasn't. But you know what? I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be there for my daughter. I'm going to give her what she deserves, and my wife can go fuck herself for all I care because she did to me exactly what her father did to her family. She buried herself emotionally and ran like a goddamn coward. Hit the hills baby, I'm gonna blow. So I'll probably continue to fuck other chicks in some capacity whether it be in my hear or my mind or even in my body... who knows? I don't really care though. When you go through that kind of disrespect it's a little hard to take the little things all that seriously. I'll spend the rest of my life with her and that's fine. I like her enough to do that and some days I love her enough to do it, but I'll always know this is my second family, my replacement family. She could've been there for me and guided me when she had the chance but she didn't. She ran just like I did and this is what she gets. And she deserves it too.

My daughter, however, doesn't, and she's not going to get it either. That's why I will continue to lose weight and I'll continue to eat raw food and I'll continue to change, and when I feel this hate that I feel now, I'll let it flow and I'll let it out... because that's what I've got to do to cleanse my soul and to be there for my daughter. My daughter deserves the best. And that's the simple truth.