I Face a Struggle

Every night around 8 or 9 p.m. I get the feeling to binge. It doesn't really happen much during the day before that, although sometimes it does, but every damn night I get the same old feeling. I feel urged to eat something worthless. I crave Taco Bell, a slice of pizza with a can of coke, a cheeseburger, cheesesteak... anything that gives me the feeling. I can't believe I get it every night. The only way I've ever found an affective way to deal with it is to simply go to bed at like 10 pm. I am beginning to feel like that may be the only way to change my habits, patterns and reduce the urge in some way. The problem is that once I think of it the whole thing compounds upon itself and I lose something.

take tonight for instance. I go for a nice long walk and what do I do? I stop along the way for a snack... sure I was hungry but it was sad how that feeling of life and light left me immediately... not to mention the food actually made me throw up. I found that some sort of interesting justice actually. Sometimes the body takes over and cleans out what the mind is just too freaking stupid to stop.

How I feel now is basically different though. I don't feel the need to mask things like I used to. I've decided my family life is really quite good. I respect on honor my wife for a change and I love and try to honor my daughter as much as I possibly can. I only think all this will get better as I get older. My desire to screw other women as a way to either, get back at my wife for being a failure, or because I just wasn't getting my needs met is really ebbing. I have decided that only I can and want to meet my needs and if I need help from someone else then I better start acting in a way that prevails upon them that I actually deserve such help! Now that was a stunner! I remember that realization on some level. the funny thing is that it really didn't floor me it just felt good to finally get it.

So anyway onto my food thing... It's been feeling pretty damn good lately. My wife seems really into making a big fat green juice every morning, which I am sooo happy to drink. I love them. The food has been good too... we've been a lot of raw and pretty much vegan, which I love. Our daughter is doing well too. Things are not perfect... which is to say that I have had some cheese... HUUUGE desires to binge, but I've been exercising whenever I can and I will continue that. Basically I just feel like it's going to be a long slow turning of the ship and I'll keep chipping away at this until I just get it right! I feel good and it's December.. doesn't usually happen to this fella.

I wonder if anyone actually reads this.. would be funny if they did.